Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in onebigfailure's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
7:53 pm	pondering so I think and worry too much. What am I to do? How am I supposed to seem sincere when everything I say and do seems like falsities to others. With broken heart and shattered mind will I ever know normalcy. That is one of my deepest desires in life to be seen as normal and accepted for one day just one day. I am aware I am unique in many ways but it doesn't ever feel like a positive thing I stick out too much or am not noticed at all. I talk too much in the group I belong to because how else am I supposed to be noticed or acknowledged in a group of people who all seemed destined for great things and have auras and charisma that makes it so they don't have to lift a finger to be noticed and have other flock to them. JB has his wit. Andre has his craziness. Tyler has his art and laid back approach to life. Chad is Tall and has his moments of insight and seems good listener. etc...... What do I have? I'm the scapegoat? I just for once want to be noticed first when someone walks in the room. but meh I'm venting. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: Mew: Saliva (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 24th, 2006
8:07 pm	depressed I feel really depressed last night everything ended with morgan. Now I have no chance of ever being with her. Anything we had is over it came up in my tarot reading. Now she and my parents are extremely mad with me. Morgan hasn't talked to me all day. I hope she will sometime in the next week...... I hope our friendship isn't over too. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: grandaddy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
11:30 pm	so much blood so stressed right now vomited blood at work........... also took acid last thursday........ it was amazing I guess. Also I miss morgan. Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: string tribute to mars volta (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 16th, 2006
6:37 pm	writing So I've been in a slump lately it seems like I'm running in place and getting nowhere. I can't stop thinking about morgan and it is kinda bugging me because I love her but it feels wrong to miss someone this much to constantly think about her. It is emotional and mentally painful. How can I ever hope of being with her. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: ATDI ; Rasauche (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
12:39 am	Wow I'm an idiot I feel like an asshole and selfish. It bugs me that she will kiss everyone but me. Am I really tht ugly or is there some other reason? why won't she kiss me? THis has bugged me for a few weeks, but only now so bothered by it that I'm posting it. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Gnarls Barkley: Crazy (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
9:53 pm	dissatisfied So I'm talking to morgan again after a week of promising not to call message or text her. That was a week of hell. Anyways I feel weird because I keep thinkig of and missing her more and more with each apssing day. Is this love or something less pure. I fall asleep praying and saying I love her and wake each morning saying I love her. And whenever I have any spare moment all I can think of is her. Is there some way for me to think of her less? I really care for and love her and am more and more confused now b/c I asked my friend tyler if I should just give up now b/c I feel I'm making things worse and I don't feel any positive results from this whole situation. He told me to keep going, not to give up and told me he couldn't tell me but he said spmething positive was coming. Now I'm more confused. I really want to be with morgan but don't know how or if that is even possible. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Radiohead: Karma Police (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
6:54 pm	uuuuuuh so my lips are sunburned didn't know they could be burnt. Current Mood: sore (Comment on this)
6:08 pm	wha SO last night was weird I some how ended up in a trance on the drive home........... weirder was that I somehow started speaking backwards and understood it. It was definitely a spell and I know what the words were though they were backwards...... for some reason, I couldn't stop chanting the backwards words and it didn't stop until I came out of the trance in my driveway......... one minute I'm leaving my friend's house after the shield the next I'm home it seemed like I was out for 5 minutes but it was more like 30. Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 28th, 2006
3:50 pm	tired Well I just got off my second day of work at lowes it is very rewarding to have something to keep my mind and body occupied but when I get off work all I can do is think about tampa and Morgan. I miss her but I promised her on sunday that I would give her space and not communicate with her in any way this week it is really hard. I really want to talk to her or text her just out of curiosity. I'm really tired and tan. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Mars Volta: Deloused in the comatorium (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
6:32 pm	So this is the last meaningful letter I'll write you This is the last meaningful letter, I'll ever send you I think. This is the last goodbye, I'll make to you as anything more than a friend. This will be the last time I openly say, "I love You." Now I've been rash and stupid lately. But if you were in my shoes could you blame me? When I'm staring at the most beautiful woman, I've ever met. It's you! So I think I'll get in my car and drive. No real destination in mind. Just letting the car take me where ever I seem to point it. Just driving and thinking of you. And I wish not to hurt you with these words, but these words are for you and you alone. They may hurt a little but they are not intended to offend. I just don't want to be a part of any new gossip in our lives. I only wanted to tell you, "I love you," but lets start over, I'm just kidding myself. Let's go back to how it was before. Before I dragged you down with me. Let's start over just being friends. Now this doesn't mean I've given up on trying to be with you, it just seems easier trying to slow things down and pretend things were never done or said. It doesn't mean I'm not still in love with you. And this will be my last letter for a while. Maybe my last letter completely. I'm madly in love with you, but love doesn't work when you don't feel the same way. Now I've said all I can say, done all I can do. If only one person's heart is in this, this it is pointless to continue. Continue striving for something that will never be. I told you my hopes and wishes. Beared a part of my soul to you. It seems all it was, was stupid dreaming on my part. Because I thought you understood me but obviously you don't. Just simply fabrications and wishful thinking from me. Now I never meant to hurt you, but I keep unintentionally doing that exact thing anyway. I keep hurting you each time I say, "I love you." All I'm feeling currently i failure. The sinking depression of losing something I cherish. Knowing I'll never win you over. I lost something meaningful before I even began. I don't think I'll ever be over you, but I'll give it a try if you ask. You seemed my last, best chance at happiness. I, finally feeling something, solid and real, but this is probably me deluding myself again. How could I ever be with someone so lovely as you? I feel I keep dying with every thought and breath, guess I'll keep driving to pass the time. It seems everyone else was right, I never had a chance of being with you. I guess we'll never be right for each other, I have nothing to offer you and nothing you want. And I keep saying, "I'm sorry," over and over again, as I try keeping these tears from my eyes. I was stupid and selfish for trying to be with you. I keep telling myself as I continue to drive. So maybe lets start over trying to be just friends. I'll try hiding my attraction for you and let my heart slowly die. I'm wandering aimlessly, confused and hurt that I will never be more. Still I'm glad that I met you, I never knew what true friendship was before. I will never forget you and will always love you, but I've been pushing you too hard, too far. So this is the last meaningful letter, I may ever write you I think. This is the last goodbye, I'll ever send you as more than a friend. I think this is the last time, I'll say that I love you and mean it as more than just friends........... Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: nothing jut emptiness (Comment on this)
4:56 pm	such a fool I'm such an idiot why did I think I'd be suitable and deserving of being with anyone let alone the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I fucked up again like every other time. Nothing ever works for me and I can never be truly happy for any longer than a few days. Everything is my fault. I'm going to go hurt myself now with cigarettes and write some crappy poetry and thoughts tht no one cares to read. Maybe I'll be lucky while I'm down by the lake and an alligator will attack and kill, because I'm too much of a pussy to end my own life....... and a part of me wants to keep living but that is probably because that part of me is so used to doing stupid things and the rejection and pain from these actions that I thrive off it. Why can't I be happy, why can't I do anything right? I just keep making the worst mistakes these last few months. All I have to look forward to now is being miserable and alone for the rest of my life. Goddess and God why have thou cursed me to be this way and allowed me to dig my own hole without any intervention or mercy? Current Mood: scared Current Music: nothing but the tears that won't come (Comment on this)
4:07 pm	I feel stupid So relationship wise nothing is happening. I feel so stupid and alone, why did I have to tell morgan I have feelings for her, why did I have be so aggresive, why does it feel like I'm losing my friendship with her. I just keep making everything worse. I just want to be with her and happy. I've never wanted anything more in my life than to date her and have a fulfilling relationship with her. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Stars what I'm trying to say (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
4:31 pm	rudderless So I had a little vacation down in tampa this weekend it refreshed me a bit but also made me restless. I got to see Morgan for a few minutes when me and andre stopped by her work place. God even sick she is radiant, but I was feeled with a certain sadness looking in her eyes and seeing anxiety and an uneasiness at me being there. I don't know what to think. I really miss her and each day hurts a little more being away at home. I am crying constantly on the inside but my tears won't show on my face. I wish I could wake up every morning next to her. And have her tell me I am hers. I wish she would then kiss me. And tell me to have a great day. I wish I had some way of being with her always. And not be stuck alone here at home. I think, I know I love her. She is the only one I love. I am certain of most of my feelings. But she doesn't share the same feelings as mine. Why can't she be the one. why must I be constantly alone. I love her more then anything. Sweet Morgan just give me one chance. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Stars what I'm trying to say (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
1:55 pm	Another valentines day alone well this will make my 22 v-day alone............. last year was fun I git hammered can't do that tonight though, I have to take care of my uncle danny who fell off a ladder and broke his arm and injured his back. I have been so bored for the last few days out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by rebel flags and hicks with no internet and nothing else to do but write and read and play with my dog dolly. I came home today for a job interview and to use the internet.......... still no word on the interview......... I hope I have the job. Also I've been missing Morgan every day hopefully I will get to see her next thursday instead of being stuck at home or my uncle's. wow the last few days have been hell and an eternity. I hope Morgan has a good week. Current Mood: restless Current Music: Radiohead: The Bends (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
6:47 pm	what a weird melancholy day I just feel empty and sick.......... but that could be from all the medicine I'm taking for this cold I woke up with and the wasp sting I got while walking earlier...... I wish I wasn't so allergic to them. I can feel my throat swelling even though I took some benadryll. So I really don't want to talk about anything else tonight maye just sleep. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: death cab: soul meets body (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
3:50 pm	my life sucks Well it was a long drive home last night with nothing but the rain pouring in the windows and nothing to occupy my time but my thoughts. I'm extremely depressed today, because I think I ruined my only chance at happiness thursday and yesterday. I was upset thursday and so I decided to start writing my thoughts down to clear them...... then Morgan came out and asked what I was doing......... I stupidly gave her what I was writing...... and I freaked her out so now I don't know if she is ever going to talk to me again. Also thursday I ended my friendship with Mark b/c he ruined my trust in him and I can no longer respect him........ I don't think I'll ever forgive what he did....... friends and brothers don't do that to each other but he broke the rules and as such I could no longer consider him my brother, my friend. Now I only see someone who I consider an enemy....... someone I wish I had never met or known........ I did something evil to him though thursday morning around the witching hour I placed a curse on him upon his heart, his head, and his soul. I don't think I will ever lift it from him. I want him to suffer as I have. Going back though there is a high likelihood that Morgan is seeing mark now and that she will never talk to me again. So I guess I'm jealous. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Mew Snowflake (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
1:59 am	I wish I could cry right now This situation has me sick...... been sick for days. No want to eat or drink, I just lay awake and wonder why? Why can't I be happy just once, why can't I acheive something I want for once? She won't return my calls or texts and I feel like I've already lost something meaningful to me. Those inebriated voices in the back of my head keep screaming 'You've ruined everything!' I frantically kept trying and trying to connect and be with her and all my efforts have been fruitless. I keep driving her further and further away. I have probably already ruined the most meaningful thing in my life. I've probably driven away the most beautiful and amazing woman the world has ever known and I'm nothing but a worthless empty shell as a result. I'm sure I love her but keep coming on to strong. I'm so desparate to show her how I feel that I have created a wedge that has ruined our friendship. I want to cry and scream that this isn't fair Goddess why does this always happen to me, but nothing but a coarse whimper escapes my lips. I've ruined everything. The only woman I have ever truly loved feels nothing for me and so I am resigned to being alone always. She is the only ray of sunshine in my life and it has become night and cold. I feel I have already lost a battle I can never win. I'll never have the chance to be with her. I want another cigarette, but any more will make me sick. I guess I'll try to sleep and wish the voices weren't right. That these nagging fears are just the alcohol and not reason. I'll try calling her on thursday her birthday and wish her the best and hope she picks up, but until then I'm going to lay down and pray that good things will happen to me for once that everything I'm thinking is wrong. That good things happen to those who wait, because I've been waiting a long time for this one. I'll never find anyone like her, no one even comes close. I think I blew my one chance at happiness and I'm left empty......... with nothing but the thought, 'You've ruined everything!' Current Mood: sick Current Music: Mew apocalypso (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
3:04 pm	I went down to lake harris to grad a few cigs and to think but all that kept going through my head is she doesn't love me, but she won't tell me to spare my feelings. She doesn't love you, so why doesn't she let you know. And a part of me keeps shoving those thoughts to the back of my mind. I went down there to write and think and nothing could be put to words. So I got my septum pierced last saturday and I love it. It was a change I needed ............ I guess it was kinda a bonding experience with Morgan too, I totally understand why she keeps getting pierced. I can't wait for another one. I love her, but I keep acting impulsively and can't stop fucking up in some way or another. I need to relax but I can't. I feel restless, I want to devote my time to being with her and treating her like a princess. Stupid me! Current Mood: restless Current Music: Mew apocalypso (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
1:46 pm	bears suck so last night I had a long dream where I was being chased by a large bear. I looked up what this meant and it means I am feeling some aggresion towards me and I'm in competition with someone. I know who I'm competing against and what for but I feel drained and like I'm losing badly. Also it is now the chinese new year and I'm dreading it b/c supposedly being born on the year of the dog means this year will be very unlucky for me. I just want to be with the one I love and for nothing bad to happen. Oh yeah it is her b-day on thursday and I'm a mess b/c I want to get her something but I don't know if she'll be too busy to see me. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
1:05 pm	sad y I had my third dreamless night last night and I'm wondering why. I am very hurt and disappointed in yesterday the one person I came to tampa to see was too busy so I have yet to see her. I've been looking forward to seeing her all week since I left for home last sunday and yet another day is gone without getting to hug her one more time......... I went for a 3 mile walk around usf last night to clear my head but that didn't seem to work I even meditated in the pagan circle and prayed and that didn't help....... my other friends seemed to notice I was out of it last night.. I pray I get to see the woman I love today. I want that more than anything else.... to spend time with her. Also I was woken up this morning by the news that My deadbeat uncle through marriage was arrested for child molestation....... what shitty day so far. Current Mood: blank Current Music: sigur ros the death song (Comment on this)