onebigfailure

pondering

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 00:06:57 GMT

so I think and worry too much. What am I to do? How am I supposed to seem sincere when everything I say and do seems like falsities to others. With broken heart and shattered mind will I ever know normalcy. That is one of my deepest desires in life to be seen as normal and accepted for one day just one day. I am aware I am unique in many ways but it doesn't ever feel like a positive thing I stick out too much or am not noticed at all. I talk too much in the group I belong to because how else am I supposed to be noticed or acknowledged in a group of people who all seemed destined for great things and have auras and charisma that makes it so they don't have to lift a finger to be noticed and have other flock to them. JB has his wit. Andre has his craziness. Tyler has his art and laid back approach to life. Chad is Tall and has his moments of insight and seems good listener. etc...... What do I have? I'm the scapegoat? I just for once want to be noticed first when someone walks in the room. but meh I'm venting.

depressed

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 01:11:28 GMT

I feel really depressed last night everything ended with morgan. Now I have no chance of ever being with her. Anything we had is over it came up in my tarot reading. Now she and my parents are extremely mad with me. Morgan hasn't talked to me all day. I hope she will sometime in the next week...... I hope our friendship isn't over too.

so much blood

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 04:32:17 GMT

so stressed right now vomited blood at work........... also took acid last thursday........ it was amazing I guess. Also I miss morgan.

writing

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 23:42:00 GMT

So I've been in a slump lately it seems like I'm running in place and getting nowhere. I can't stop thinking about morgan and it is kinda bugging me because I love her but it feels wrong to miss someone this much to constantly think about her. It is emotional and mentally painful. How can I ever hope of being with her.

Wow I'm an idiot

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 05:42:44 GMT

I feel like an asshole and selfish. It bugs me that she will kiss everyone but me. Am I really tht ugly or is there some other reason? why won't she kiss me? THis has bugged me for a few weeks, but only now so bothered by it that I'm posting it.

dissatisfied

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 03:00:40 GMT

So I'm talking to morgan again after a week of promising not to call message or text her. That was a week of hell. Anyways I feel weird because I keep thinkig of and missing her more and more with each apssing day. Is this love or something less pure. I fall asleep praying and saying I love her and wake each morning saying I love her. And whenever I have any spare moment all I can think of is her. Is there some way for me to think of her less? I really care for and love her and am more and more confused now b/c I asked my friend tyler if I should just give up now b/c I feel I'm making things worse and I don't feel any positive results from this whole situation. He told me to keep going, not to give up and told me he couldn't tell me but he said spmething positive was coming. Now I'm more confused. I really want to be with morgan but don't know how or if that is even possible.

uuuuuuh

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 23:56:17 GMT

so my lips are sunburned didn't know they could be burnt.

wha

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 23:14:01 GMT

SO last night was weird I some how ended up in a trance on the drive home........... weirder was that I somehow started speaking backwards and understood it. It was definitely a spell and I know what the words were though they were backwards...... for some reason, I couldn't stop chanting the backwards words and it didn't stop until I came out of the trance in my driveway......... one minute I'm leaving my friend's house after the shield the next I'm home it seemed like I was out for 5 minutes but it was more like 30.

tired

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 20:53:21 GMT

Well I just got off my second day of work at lowes it is very rewarding to have something to keep my mind and body occupied but when I get off work all I can do is think about tampa and Morgan. I miss her but I promised her on sunday that I would give her space and not communicate with her in any way this week it is really hard. I really want to talk to her or text her just out of curiosity. I'm really tired and tan.

So this is the last meaningful letter I'll write you

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 23:33:58 GMT

This is the last meaningful letter, I'll ever send you I think.
This is the last goodbye, I'll make to you as anything more than a friend.
This will be the last time I openly say, "I love You."
Now I've been rash and stupid lately.
But if you were in my shoes could you blame me?
When I'm staring at the most beautiful woman, I've ever met.
It's you!
So I think I'll get in my car and drive.
No real destination in mind.
Just letting the car take me where ever I seem to point it.
Just driving and thinking of you.
And I wish not to hurt you with these words, but these words are for you and you alone.
They may hurt a little but they are not intended to offend.
I just don't want to be a part of any new gossip in our lives.
I only wanted to tell you, "I love you," but lets start over, I'm just kidding myself.
Let's go back to how it was before.
Before I dragged you down with me.
Let's start over just being friends.
Now this doesn't mean I've given up on trying to be with you, it just seems easier trying to slow things down and pretend things were never done or said.
It doesn't mean I'm not still in love with you.
And this will be my last letter for a while.
Maybe my last letter completely.
I'm madly in love with you, but love doesn't work when you don't feel the same way.
Now I've said all I can say, done all I can do.
If only one person's heart is in this, this it is pointless to continue.
Continue striving for something that will never be.
I told you my hopes and wishes.
Beared a part of my soul to you.
It seems all it was, was stupid dreaming on my part.
Because I thought you understood me but obviously you don't. Just simply fabrications and wishful thinking from me.
Now I never meant to hurt you, but I keep unintentionally doing that exact thing anyway. I keep hurting you each time I say, "I love you."
All I'm feeling currently i failure.
The sinking depression of losing something I cherish.
Knowing I'll never win you over.
I lost something meaningful before I even began.
I don't think I'll ever be over you, but I'll give it a try if you ask.
You seemed my last, best chance at happiness.
I, finally feeling something, solid and real, but this is probably me deluding myself again.
How could I ever be with someone so lovely as you?
I feel I keep dying with every thought and breath, guess I'll keep driving to pass the time. It seems everyone else was right, I never had a chance of being with you.
I guess we'll never be right for each other, I have nothing to offer you and nothing you want.
And I keep saying, "I'm sorry," over and over again, as I try keeping these tears from my eyes.
I was stupid and selfish for trying to be with you.
I keep telling myself as I continue to drive.
So maybe lets start over trying to be just friends.
I'll try hiding my attraction for you and let my heart slowly die.
I'm wandering aimlessly, confused and hurt that I will never be more.
Still I'm glad that I met you, I never knew what true friendship was before.
I will never forget you and will always love you, but I've been pushing you too hard, too far.
So this is the last meaningful letter, I may ever write you I think.
This is the last goodbye, I'll ever send you as more than a friend.
I think this is the last time, I'll say that I love you and mean it as more than just friends...........

such a fool

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 22:04:11 GMT

I'm such an idiot why did I think I'd be suitable and deserving of being with anyone let alone the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I fucked up again like every other time. Nothing ever works for me and I can never be truly happy for any longer than a few days. Everything is my fault. I'm going to go hurt myself now with cigarettes and write some crappy poetry and thoughts tht no one cares to read. Maybe I'll be lucky while I'm down by the lake and an alligator will attack and kill, because I'm too much of a pussy to end my own life....... and a part of me wants to keep living but that is probably because that part of me is so used to doing stupid things and the rejection and pain from these actions that I thrive off it. Why can't I be happy, why can't I do anything right? I just keep making the worst mistakes these last few months. All I have to look forward to now is being miserable and alone for the rest of my life. Goddess and God why have thou cursed me to be this way and allowed me to dig my own hole without any intervention or mercy?

I feel stupid

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 21:10:57 GMT

So relationship wise nothing is happening. I feel so stupid and alone, why did I have to tell morgan I have feelings for her, why did I have be so aggresive, why does it feel like I'm losing my friendship with her. I just keep making everything worse. I just want to be with her and happy. I've never wanted anything more in my life than to date her and have a fulfilling relationship with her.

rudderless

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 21:41:29 GMT

So I had a little vacation down in tampa this weekend it refreshed me a bit but also made me restless. I got to see Morgan for a few minutes when me and andre stopped by her work place. God even sick she is radiant, but I was feeled with a certain sadness looking in her eyes and seeing anxiety and an uneasiness at me being there. I don't know what to think. I really miss her and each day hurts a little more being away at home. I am crying constantly on the inside but my tears won't show on my face.

I wish I could wake up every morning next to her.
And have her tell me I am hers.
I wish she would then kiss me.
And tell me to have a great day.
I wish I had some way of being with her always.
And not be stuck alone here at home.
I think, I know I love her.
She is the only one I love.
I am certain of most of my feelings.
But she doesn't share the same feelings as mine.
Why can't she be the one.
why must I be constantly alone.
I love her more then anything.
Sweet Morgan just give me one chance.

sad y

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 18:13:31 GMT

I had my third dreamless night last night and I'm wondering why. I am very hurt and disappointed in yesterday the one person I came to tampa to see was too busy so I have yet to see her. I've been looking forward to seeing her all week since I left for home last sunday and yet another day is gone without getting to hug her one more time......... I went for a 3 mile walk around usf last night to clear my head but that didn't seem to work I even meditated in the pagan circle and prayed and that didn't help....... my other friends seemed to notice I was out of it last night.. I pray I get to see the woman I love today. I want that more than anything else.... to spend time with her. Also I was woken up this morning by the news that My deadbeat uncle through marriage was arrested for child molestation....... what shitty day so far.

another sleepless night

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 05:36:18 GMT

So I thought jogging 7miles tonight before bed would make me tired but my brain just keeps keeping me awake. nothing to think of tonight just my brain is on and my subconscious is out to lunch or snoozing in.............. second night with no dreams so far......... natural occuring dreams.

insomnia blows

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 10:41:40 GMT

I can't sleep and have been trying since my last post. I can't seem to clear my mind of everything.................... mostly I think I'm afraid to sleep because I delude myself in my dreams that I am with the girl I'm in love with and everything is content but then I have to wake up and face reality that I'm for the most part alone and everything was just a dream. I can't stop thinking of a friend's betrayal and the words that were never spoken.... the clear meanings. I just feel so lame and stupid......... well time to try getting some sleep now that some of that is out of my head

shambles

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 06:51:52 GMT

I feel really unaccomplished today.......... I miss her too. Maybe if I had run today like I planned it would have been better.

I can't even have a GF in my dreams

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 16:50:25 GMT

well recently I confessed to a friend that I was in love with her............ to mixed results. I'm relieved to have told her but I worry that I'm screwing up my friendship with her. I don't think I've ever fallen this badly........... In other news I've moved out of tampa and am back home and extremely bored but it is kinda relaxing. ALso I haven't masturbated in 6 days. that is all for now

I want to cry and punch something

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 05:10:45 GMT

My holidays have been utter shit......... I don't really want to ever return home at this point. Something is going on with one of my grandmothers and she either had a ministroke or is going crazy...... both bad....... then my uncle caused drama before the christmas eve gathering so everything was weird. My parents yelled at me about school. I was deeply disappointed on xmas gifts, it was like no one put any thought into the gifts I got nothing but clothes I'll never wear and giftcards nothing but fucking gift cards. Yesterday, I get a call from my boss telling me there has a been a leak in the building b/c a pipe burst and it flooded my room and they want me to come back and clean up the damage in my room, so I spent nine solid, constant hours clean up the mess and now my room smells like mold and I don't think the company is going to recompensate me for the roughly $1000 worth of damage I incurred from there fucking pipe........ nevermind I had to clean up their mess myself and it was like a big fuck you! in my face..... then I've been up since 8am this morning straightening out stuff with school and have to stay awake and work until 8am tomorrow then I have to straighten some more stuff out with the school b/c some of the offices were closed today and I can't go to sleep until 10-11am and then I have to wake up again at 5:30pm for my 6pm shift where I'll be stuck here at work again until 8am............... and the thing that pisses me off about this whole thing is one of my hard drives got ruined by the leak and I probably lost all the personal pics I had saved of friends......... all those memories fucking lost forever. I also couldn't stop thinking about a friend and how I think I'm infatuated with her but she is out of the country and I don't want to wreck a meaningful friendship over what is probably only lust. I just want someone to cuddle with and tell me everything will be ok.

gloom

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 15:00:31 GMT

Weather and recent events have caused me to become kinda depressed. I don't think my friends trust me anymore and I feel disconnected emotionally from everything.

hectic

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 08:36:34 GMT

So I have been busy and haven't written anything in a while.........I should be writing a paper right now but am procrastinating. things going on in my life....hmmm.......... well I admitted to a friend I had a crush on her when I first met her...... I am thinking about bonsaiing a friend from my life b/c it is difficult to get a hold of her and she seems to think I am only a shoulder to cry on and I'm tired of going out of my way trying to be with her....... also I never get anything positive back from that friendship. It is just give give give and I don't get anything from her.

miserable

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 08:01:43 GMT

So why do I feel that I'm becoming more and more isolated. I'm sinking deeper in to a cycle of depression with each passing day and it feels likes everyone I was close to is getting farther and farther away from me like I'm a leper.

weird

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 16:30:59 GMT

Yeah so the last two days have been strange but wonderful at the same time. They have felt like an eternity but still weren't long enough just the same. I have felt so content as of lately. Also last night and today after my first class just before 11am I've seen two of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. My breath was taken away and in one case I almost ran off the road ...... just checked them out too nervous to introduce myself I know I'll never see them again but hey for those few seconds it was like time stopped for me and I was staring at the most amazing goddesses to ever walk the earth. Well so much for that just updating to say life is going reasonably smooth for the time being though these things tend to change when you discuss them and I want to hold a few of these memories near my heart still.

alone

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 03:27:13 GMT

With each day I feel more and more alone and depressed. Also my Dad's best friend died last saturday and he is depressed and I have no idea how to cheer up my father. Well now I'm just going to mope around until work.

just don't know anymore

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 06:37:37 GMT

Yeah I feel so hopelessly lonely right now. I just need someone to tell me I'm an ok person and that life is worth living and to let me know that there is someone out there that connects to me and cares for me. I feel like I'm in a crowded room and no one is looking or speaking to me. Just a fly on the wall. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE FLY ON THE WALL!!! WHY DOESN"T ANYONE LOVE ME or care for me or say nice things to me. why isn't there someone out there who likes me for being myself. When can I let downs this god damn walls and cry to someone. ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO BE NEAR TO ME AND SOMEONE TO SUPPORT ME WHEN I FALL DOWN. I've fallen down really hard and there isn't anyone, not one damned soul to help me as I lay on this floor thrashing blood spilling from my veins. I'm sick of living, sick of always being depressed, sick of being so alone all the time, sick of never truly smiling, sick of holding back two years worth of tears, sick of never having a real friend around when I so desprately need one, I'm sick of trying to please everyone else and never being able to please myself. ALL I WANT IS FOR ONE MISERABLE WISH TO COME TRUE BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, CAN NEVER HAPPEN ETC....